So, scary title, right? Right about now, there aren’t many scarier things that you could hear than one of your family members being diagnosed with Corona virus or COVID-19. With us it is exactly the same, especially with Evangeleen, she still hasn’t fully recovered from all of her breathing problems. This puts her right in the extremely vulnerable people group, someone who will have major problems and possibly death if she was to contract COVID. Everybody has something, something that brings them to shambles. So, many movies every year are made to make money off of those fears, heights, spiders, death, public speaking, whatever it is we all have that one fear.
Well, why am I writing about corona? Why am I writing about fears? Well, we will get to that in a minute, there are a few things I would like to share with you first. In the last few days we have had a lot of prayers answered.
First, Moonoy, many of you have been praying along side us for her for a long time. Well, praise God! He answered and she came back to her family and agreed to come stay with us in May, she went and got her school paperwork along with all the other paperwork we need. She had left her family to stay with her friends, doing drugs and probably everything you shouldn’t try to imagine. After months of prayer she came back to stay with her family. Praise God! Moonoy and her cousin Kwan will be with us come May.
Second, we heard a horrible story from our old slum (On Nut 49 in Bangkok). We were told of a woman who we did not know in On Nut, who was running an illegal lottery. She was stealing money from the lottery and probably rigging it as well, until a few months ago she was getting away with it too. Someone found out what she was doing this man was angry, so he went to her house. He broke in and waited for her to come home, when she did he attacked her with a machete and cut her head off. Then he sat back down and waited for someone to come, her daughter or her son, but the police came first. The rest of the family, scared that he will get out of jail and come after the daughter, Pin, so the family called us and asked if we could take her. Of course we said yes and Pin will be coming as well in May.
Lastly, we have been searching for help. We have been praying for a long time for a worker or a volunteer to come and help us manage the chaos in our house. As I was praying a name of girl that I had met at church kept coming to mind. Jane, a flipino teacher. I thought “No! She isn’t what I want. I want a Thai.” Everytime I prayed her name came back, so I figured that I should atleast talk to her and see what she is thinking. So, I talked to her she looked more and more excited, which I thought was pretty weird. After she was done listening she decided to tell me what had happened the day before. She had been having the feeling that she needed to leave her job and do something different but she had no idea what. As she prayed she asked God to give her a sign the next day at church if He wanted her to do something different with her life. Before we left I came to talk to her and she saw it as the sign that she had prayed for. Well, we both kept praying for 2 weeks and last weekend she came over and checked out everything we are doing and we talked about the job that she would be doing and agreed to hire her. Praise God! She will be with us starting in April.
We are looking at 4 more people in our house bringing the total to 14 people in our house. I praise God that He gave us a house big enough to house all of us. As we have continued to pray we have been burdened with 2 more kids. Two more boys, Famous and Focus, both from the On Nut area in Bangkok as well. They have been at the school up here staying in the dorms and when we go out on adventures or trips, we take them with us. Their mother has become a close friend of ours and she has been praying and begging that we take in her kids. We have been pretty against this becasue of the trouble that boys are for us (bad reason I know), but God has really put them on our hearts. This would bring our total to 16 people! 16 people sounds hard, right? Well, pretend for a minute you are my wife, the only truly bi-lingual person in the house and the only one with a baby. Think about what its like to have 13 kids and 2 adults always bugging you about translating what you want to say to someone else, while taking care of an infant. Sounds pretty horrible right? So, we have asked God that if we take them in that He would provide us with another bi-lingual Thai person. Which would bring our total to 17 people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now back to the fear. Maybe now you have a better perspective of my fear. We will have 17 people in our home, 1 in college and 1 in the dorms at school. Thats 18 people that I am responsible for. Some of you have never met me and some of you haven’t met me before my conversion. But, responsibility isn’t really my forte. I have avoided responsibility like the plauge my whole life and currently I have tons of responsibility but not more than I can handle. If something were to happen today and no one ever donated another dollar to us, I could go get a job and take care of everyone I am responsible for. But in the next few months, that will be over! There is no way I will be able to take care of everyone I am responsible for. That is super scary! Especially, for a man who God has given the resposibilty to provide and protect a family, the idea that you are not going to be able to do that, is very scary to me.
We all know that fear brings stress and stress brings sickness. Well, this whole week I have been sicker than I have been in a long time. I have been quarantined to our extra room all by myself, unsure if it is corona or not. It isn’t corona! Just last night I realized that it was stress induced sickness, probably a bad cold or a light flu. This week has been a hard one for me because I have had no courage to open the Bible, scared to pray, and just felt too cowardly to go to before God. I have had nothing but time, time that I could have used much, much more efficently than I did. But I didn’t. I did everything I could to avoid God. Becasue I am afraid. When I got sick, it wasn’t something that I felt coming, it was sudden. That day we reached an agreement with Jane about what her job would entail and what we would pay her. I was happy and glad we had finally found help, until I layed in bed with the lights out and everyone else was asleep and I started thinking about our finances and all the commitments we have. Ugh, then I felt sick, my whole body started aching, my head started hurting, my stomach hurt, everything started acting up. I decided to go to the guest room and “sleep” which I didn’t do, I sat in the guest room thinking and hurting.
Up until now it had been easy to trust God. It has been 2 and a half years of living on faith, but looking into our future it didn’t feel like my faith was going to be big enough. That for some reason God was finally going to forget about us. For some reason my faith had fallen into a deep, deep valley. I hadn’t realized it either, which is even scarier.
Last night, I layed in a room all by myself thinking and asking myself, “Why am I still sick?” I came to the realization that I am scared, being a coward, just being faithless. I have ran from God this week, because I am afraid that he can’t/won’t provide for us. That everything we are trying to do is just going to fall apart right infront of us.
I sent the kids with a friend to help out at another childrens home. They blew everyone away there! They were so amazed by how well behaved and incharge they were. Praise God! I sat home in bed praying, crying and singing. I realized that only when I am in the deepest valley can I climb the highest mountian. Every song I sang today talked about having no fear, especially “Becasue He lives”.
I realized that I don’t provide or protect my family anyway. God does. I looked at myself and said “What do you even do?” I dunno, but it feels like its the wrong thing everytime. I know that is lie. I know we are helping show this kids what a man/woman who trust in God looks like, the struggles, the joy, the pain, and the praise. Its not always easy, its not always great but God has shown me today the impact that we are making in these kids, even through our mess ups. Real poeple mess up real big and they need to to see how to handle messing up, because they are gonna mess up too.
I am not a perfect missionary, I am not a perfect dad, I am not a perfect husband and I’m not a perfect Christian. But through the blood of Jesus I am.
Ephesians 1:6 To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.
7 In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;
8 Wherein he hath abounded toward us in all wisdom and prudence